When I _____

When I ______, she said,

you'll be free, but remember 

Pastor Liu owes me five thousand dollars, here is 

the note she wrote 

Look, that's her signature. 

Don't ______, mom. 

She didn't reply. 

 

My debit card is with your father, he can have

the four thousand dollars

in there, for coming to visit me, his

divorced wife with cancer. 

Don't 

______, mom. She 

just smiled. 

 

Look, you're a woman, she said,

Be kind and gentle, be soft like

Water 

Never divorce, she said. Work on 

your marriage and tolerate him. 

Don't ______ 

______,

Mom. 

 

When she ______, I called

Her friends, they all cried

Including Pastor Liu, who was no longer a

Pastor 

she told me 

Your mother was a good person, if she knew how 

Broke I am, she wouldn't 

Want her money back 

 

Then I talked to my father

Yes, I have her debit card, but

There is only fifty dollars

iIn there, do you want it? 

 

I betrayed her too, my mother 

I divorced him, I was not soft like

Water. 

She doesn't live here anymore

Graves are a nuisance to upkeep, she said, 

Burn me and chuck my ashes in the sea, you'll be free

So will I, I'll be the sea. 

How lonely, I thought 

How lonely it'd be to become the sea, and to have a mother 

Who became the sea. 

 

I cremated her and 

sent the ashes to the Swiss. 

How funny, I thought, her death plans were also 

with the Swiss, but 

she did not need assistance with 

Her suicide. 

 

When they knock I don't speak of 

her death, instead I say:

She doesn't live here anymore. 

She wanted to become the sea, but I paid the Swiss to pressurize her ashes

Into a diamond

Neither of us is free, how lonely

death is

How do I speak of it 

November 20th

I tuck the sheets under the mattress of my child's white crib

and think of how I'm doing it inadequately.

What a sloth, my mother would say,

when will you ever learn how to make a bed

properly?

 

How come three years isn't enough for me to stop grieving.